My list of bottom 10 all-time bad songs

I should do myself a favor and hit the sack late in the evening, but I aimlessly start flipping channels instead. I"ve lost count of how many channels nowadays want to sell you something "for just 50 easy payments of only $29.99."

Since I'm a sucker for nostalgic pop music that reminds me of my youth, I end up zeroing in on whatever 1960s, '70s or '80s music collection Gunthy-Renker happens to be hawking during a given evening.

One night, I burned 15 to 20 minutes of my life listening to Bobby Goldsboro and his lady sidekick promoting a 160-song collection titled, "Pop Hits of the 1960." I waited for Goldsboro -- who at age 69 miraculously has a full head of either Hairline Creations or Just For Men-enhanced jet black hair -- to announce one of my favorite 1960s tunes, "Incense and Peppermints." (I was 8 when this tune hit the airwaves. I never could understand the lyrics, but it had a good groove, nice harmonies ... and timely use of a cowbell. Later, I found out it was the unofficial anthem for those in the '60s who racked up frequent flyer miles on LSD Airlines.)

But he never did. Then I started recalling all the bad tunes (with sappy titles) Goldsboro recorded in the '60s and '70s, such as "See the Funny Little Clown," "Watching Scotty Grow" and "Honey."

I think Bobby and Gunthy-Renker ought to consider an infomercial that promotes my pop set, which I just developed, called "Tarnished Gold." For 5 easy payments of just $19.99, you'll receive a smorgasbord of duds that are guaranteed to make your skin crawl -- 3 cuts each from the '60s, '70s and '80s, along with one tune from the '90s which, I'm sure, you'll recognize ... and despise. AND a bonus selection!

Cover your ears because here's what you get:

Walk Like a Man (Frankie Valli, 1963) -- Walk like a man. Talk like a man. Yo, Frankie: Please sing like a man! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMYZBVbifh8&feature=related

What's New Pussycat (Tom Jones, 1965) -- Legend has it that songwriting legends Burt Bacharach and Hal David never wrote a bad song. I beg to differ. Listener discretion is advised: It's just horrible! Tom, you're better than this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBdSqk78nHw

Brown Eyed Girl (Van Morrison, 1967) -- I think I detest Brown Eyed Girl -- overplayed each weekend by cover bands across America -- more than Go Cubs Go (see entry below). And that's saying something. If this lands me in the dog house with every lady on the plant, so be it. Sha la la la la la la la la te-da? How about: Sha la la la la la la la la blah blah-blah. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdRRLgewYV0&feature=related

Lovin' You (Minnie Riperton, 1975) -- Remember (if you're over 40) those commercials about the quality of Memorex cassette recording tape being so good that it could record Ella Fitzgerald hitting a high note ... and the recording would shatter glass? Well, meet Minnie, who reportedly had a vocal range of five-and-a-half octaves. Minnie never inked a commercial deal with Memorex, so she shattered eardrums instead. http://vodpod.com/watch/1363372-loving-you-minnie-riperton

Muskrat Love (Captain and Tennille, 1976) -- 1976 was the year of our nation's bicentennial, yet the best we could do musically is a ditty about two rodents getting frisky. Sample lyrics: Now he's tickling her fancy, rubbing her toes. Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes ... How Muskrat Suzie and Muskrat Sam managed to jitterbug their way to No. 4 on the Billboard charts, I'll never know. http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=8597

Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (Gordon Lightfoot, 1976) -- This was Canada's bicentennial gift to the U.S. (Gordy is from Ontario). Lake Michigan simply doesn't measure up to the big lake they call Gitche Gumee. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0DqPSF2fyo&feature=related

Puttin on the Ritz (Taco, 1981) -- The 1980s had its share of gender-benders -- Boy George, George Michael and Annie Lennox, among others. Add Taco -- aka, Taco Ockerse, a Dutch singer and entertainer -- to the list. Maybe it was his makeup job, or the way in which he dragged out the word Ritzzzzzzzzzzzz (kind of creepy). Whatever the case, Taco turned this Irving Berlin classic into Taco Hell. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1WryA_24JA

Go Cubs Go (Steve Goodman, 1984) -- I blame my continuous disdain for Chicago's National League ballclub directly on this dopey tune. Personally, I find "Go Blame It On Steve Bartman" much more soothing to the ear (click on video). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBHxkyY6m2k&feature=related

Never Gonna Give You Up (Rick Astley, 1987) -- Unless he's pulling a Milli Vanilli, Rick Astley has a powerful alpha male voice. But then you see him on this video -- a prototype Joe Weider 98-pound weakling crooning about wanting to tell his woman how he's feeling and -- gulp -- wanting a full commitment in a relationship. A man sharing his feelings? Thinking of a full commitment? Stop yourself, Rick! Hate to break the news to you, pal, but your man card has been revoked -- for life! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion, 1997) -- Fortunately, my heart has gone on because Celine has been quaranteened in Las Vegas since 2003 doing night shows. Rather than torture you (and me) with a video of the theme from Titanic, here's a clip from "The Celine Dion Show," a 1998 Saturday Night Live spoof (Celine is played by Ana Gasteyer).  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPwLSl_IWSI&feature=related

Now for our bonus tune:

Ballerina Girl (Lionel Richie, 1986) -- I prefer the Elmer Fudd version: Balla-weena girl ... you are so wove-wee. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1w9lr_lionel-richie-ballerina-girl_music

What are some of the tunes that make your ears burn and/or stomach churn? Please list a couple of your "favorites" in the comments section below, and we'll put them into a future blog.

Sen. Durbin wants a Carp Czar? Appoint me!

A few weeks ago, the senior U.S. senator from my home state of Illinois, Richard Durbin -- nice fellow, but we're polar opposites politically -- urged President Barack Obama to appoint a "Carp Czar," who would oversee efforts to keep Asian carp out of the Great Lakes.

Even though the prospect of Asian carp getting into Lake Michigan is a serious matter because they could destroy the lake's ecosystem -- they embrace Taco Bell's fourth meal plan, and it's not unusual for them to tip the scales anywhere between 40 to 100 pounds -- I couldn't help but ponder cynical thoughts after hearing Durbin's proposal.

"Must be a slow news day."
"Just what the czar-happy Obama Administration needs: another czar."
"Since carp are bottom-feeders -- like most politicians -- it shouldn't be too difficult to appoint a Carp Czar directly from Capitol Hill. Since Durbin made the proposal, Obama should give him first crack at it. What do you think, Senator? ... "

Then it hit me: Durbin already is gainfully employed (though I hope he'll be filing for unemployment benefits after the 2016 elections should he seek to run for another term). And I'm looking for a new career opportunity (see my Linkedin profile).

So look no further, Mr. President. I'm your man!

What qualifies me to serve in this prestgious post? Well, nothing really, although I grew up along the Illinois River -- Peru, LaSalle, Ottawa, Spring Valley -- where I'm sure the number of Asian carp currently flopping around in the river outnumbers the entire area population.

I thought I saw a couple of them jump out of the water once while cruising the Illinois River as a passenger on my sister and brother-in-law's recreational boat. And long before Asian carp invaded the river, I remember hooking a common carp or two (Cyprinus carpio) as a tot while fishing with my Dad.

However, I do have practical experience working at the federal level. I knocked on doors for the U.S. Census this past spring. And believe me, it's much more difficult to catch people at home who blew off filling out their Census questionnaire than it is to catch Asian carp, which practically jump into your boat.

Come to think of it, why do I need to beef up my resume in order to be appointed Carp Czar? There are over 40 czars in the Obama Administration already -- everything from a Weapons of Mass Destruction Czar to an Economic Czar (and Economic Czar No. 2), to a Food Czar ... which also would be a good fit for me. I'd make the McDouble mandatory in every school lunch program.

How many of these czars have done anything noteworthy or newsworthy?

My guess is that a Carp Czar would largely be a ceremonial position. I'd be happy to go through the motions and cash my check every Friday.

But just to make it look like I'm actually doing something, I'll hold meetings twice a month. Each meeting will be open to the general public. Those who attend are urged to bring their laptops because there's plenty of YouTube footage on Asian carp we can watch -- like this video, which shows kids going tubing on the Illinois River ... all the while trying to avoid getting clocked by spooked Asian carp: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjHGwKHICsQ&feature=related

(However, viewer discretion is advised. It's best to turn the audio down. Way down. Otherwise, you run the risk of getting your ear drums blown out by some  annoying woman who's laughing and screaming hysterically throughout most of the video.)

In addition to bi-monthly meetings, we could go to Starved Rock State Park on  weekend fact-finding missions. The Illinois River runs along Starved Rock. Who knows? We may spot a few Asian carp jumping out of the water. After completing our civic duty, we can hit the buffet at the Starved Rock Lodge (they have a nice spread), then do a little swimming or hiking ... all on Uncle Sam's dime!

When do I start, Sen. Durbin?