-- I see where different brands of potato chips are noting on their packages that they use sea salt. They say it's better for you than regular salt. Well, if that's the case, I'm skipping apples for more Krunchers! potato chips.
-- I'm all for safety when it comes to packaging, but it defeats the purpose when it takes 10 minutes to remove the cap from a plastic bottle of Diet Pepsi (which happened to me the other day). I ended up having to use a kitchen knife to cut the cotton-pickin' cap off the bottle. Why not just put padlocks on beverage containers?
-- When someone first told me they earned a green belt in Six Sigma, I thought they were talking about martial arts, not a business management strategy. Guess I'd never survive the first cut on "The Apprentice."
--Got to give the Illinois Cremation Society credit. They definitely have a catchy slogan: "Think outside the box."
-- Even though my email address begins with the name Mike, I can't figure out why I keep getting online offers to purchase the Genie Bra.
-- Given the volume of infomercials now on cable TV touting the Genie Bra and Viagra-related products, I'm convinced that our chief domestic problems, such as high unemployment, the $16 trillion debt and high gas prices, could be resolved within weeks if Congress just threw enough Cialis, Viagra and Genie Bras at them.
-- Are there more worthless creatures on planet Earth than Canada geese? Forget the P90X workouts; I'm getting buffed just trying to maneuver around mine fields of geese poo on the blacktop track at a park near my dwelling.
-- The NFL is back, which means I get to listen to grown men frantically calling sports talk radio programs each Sunday morning because they can't decide which players to put into their fantasy football lineups.
-- What's with some younger waiters and waitressess at restaurants these days? Whenever you make a request, the usual response is, "No problem." "Can I get more pickles?" No problem. "Can I get two fives for a 10 dollar bill?" No problem. Sheesh! (Just wondering: Do you think they would level with you if there was, indeed, a problem?)
-- I find it amusing whenever I see guys wearing Size 32 or 34 pants who have pot bellies hanging several inches over their belt buckles.
-- I get tired of hearing about how nearly everything you eat and drink either is bad for you, will saddle you with a catastrophic illness or decrease your life expectency. Here's a point for these health-conscious know-it-alls to ponder: You'll die a helluva lot faster if you don't eat or drink anything.
-- Since it takes, on average, three to four minutes to fill one's tank at the service station, is it really necessary for stations to show videos at gas pumps? Everything from movie reviews to celebrity gossip and weather forecasts. "Hi, and welcome to Shell ... it's good to see you." ... "Thanks for stopping by; come back soon." Can't I just be left alone?
-- I glanced at a story online recently which reported that TV ratings for the World Poker Tour increased 35 percent last year. Here's what I believe explains the spike in viewership: Those who suffer from insomnia have discovered that watching poker late at night cures their ailment in two minutes.
-- I crossed something off my bucket list recently. Ever notice the tape measures near the entrances of most gas stations or Seven-11's? Well, I measured my height, much to the astonishment of the front-counter cashier, who had a bewildered look on his face. (By the way, I'm 5-foot-9 on the nose!)
-- I don't understand why the Cubs brought Theo Epstein in from Boston to be president of baseball operations. All they need is a voice instructor to attend every home game at the world's largest karaoke bar (aka, Wrigley Field) and give the 40,000-or-so vocalists who show up a quick tutorial how to sing in tune during the seventh-inning stretch, or whenever they sing that dopey "Go Cubs Go" tune. -- Have you caught those TV informercials touting Shark Steam Pocket Mops? Bet you never thought you'd see the day when Jaws would give Spic 'n Span or Pine Sol a run for their money.
