Most of it is laughably ridiculous -- especially those e-mails which contain a supposed "business opportunity of a lifetime" where one can earn $400 per day doing simple data entry, or notices from, say, the Bank of Ghana, that state I've inherited $3 million.
There's an institution in the River North area of Chicago called the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. If any of its students wants to become the next Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung or B.F. Skinner, I'd suggest rounding up a group of these whack jobs and conducting case studies to determine what compels them to spend all of their waking hours dreaming up (and sending) junk e-mails.
But I must say that I'm tempted to open a few of them just from what appears in the subject line.
I'm sure you've seen portions of those half-hour infomercials hawking album packages such as "Power Ballads of the '80s" hosted by a weepy member of Air Supply, Journey or Night Ranger. (Or if you're like me and don't have a life, you sit through the entire half-hour with a box of Klennex always within reach).
Well, in this vain, let's call today's entry, "The Best of Junk E-mail: Volume I" -- or the best junk e-mail I've received over the past 2-3 months. In another 2-3 months, be on the lookout for "The Best of Junk Mail, Volume II" because by that time I'm sure I will have collected more memorable junk e-mail.
--From: Home Business Tools; Subject: If you miss this, you are nuts ... Well, since I didn't open this e-mail, I better make an appointment this week to lay on a couch at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology.
--From: TV deals; Subject: Yuck ... your keyboard is gross. For the record, I just purchased a new keyboard a few weeks ago and wiped it down this week with Fantastik, which kills 99.9 percent of all germs.
--From: Free Viagra&Cialis. Subject: Do not underestimate the value of free pills. I grew up thinking Bayer Asprin and Geritol were the wonder drugs. Times have certainly changed, haven't they?
--From: Mandahl Wabasha; Subject: Mandahl was trying to get me to purchase (what else?) either Viagra or Cialis. Sorry Mandahl; Viagra and Cialis are yesterday's news. I got a better offer ... (see next entry)
--From: Smilin' Bob; Subject: Enzyte: male enhancement -- it works. I'm sure you've been subjected to the Enzyte commercials -- or covered your youngster's eyes whenever they've appeared on the tube -- with Smilin' Bob (right), a throwback to the Ozzie and Harriet era who is always sporting a goofy, toothy grin (persumably because he regularly uses the product). In one commercial, aired during the holidays, Smilin' Bob can be seen playing Santa while 5 or 6 women stand in line eagerly waiting to sit on his lap. --From: Luis E. Coffman. Subject: Your refill is now available for pickup. You might want to give Smiln' Bob a call, Luis. I think he could use someone like you in Enzyte's customer service department.
--From: A friend; Subject: Someone in Glen Ellyn has a crush on you. Think I'll take a pass, and send her Smilin' Bob's way.
--From: Jessie SweetThing; Subject: My profile. Here's another one for you, Smilin' Bob!
--From: MR COOOL; Subject: haha Mike. Nothing like waking up in the morning and getting taunted by your e-mail inbox.
--From: Have a pain?; Subject: (No Subject). Yes, as a matter of fact, I do have a pain. It's you, MR COOOL and all the other pains who send me these e-mails!
--From: CassandraSchneider@e-mile.co.uk; Subject: I need to talk to you NOW. Cassandra, my dear, I know it's 7:34 a.m. in England, but it's 11:34 p.m. here. Can't it wait until morning? If you don't mind, this old chap is going to call it a night.
--From: John Stalvey; Subject: Mike Sandrolini You are fired! Bet you didn't know I was on The Apprentice recently. (Neither did I!) Donald Trump is a busy man; I guess he didn't have time to give me the pink slip personally. To his credit, John was kind enough to e-mail me several weeks later with the same message in case I didn't receive the message from Mr. Trump the first time around.
--From: Michelle White; Subject: My third and final e-mail to you. Ms. White (whoever she is) sent me another e-mail the next day.
-- From: Genrih Karpinski; Subject: Mike, Warning, Do Not Read This! Thanks for the head's up, Genrih. I just hit the delete button.
--From: Kaylee Wells; Subject: omg Mike! A Valley Girl? Sending me e-mail? Like, oh my God, no way! It's just like ... I'm freaking out totally!
--From: Glen Ellyn Tax Debt Assistance; Subject: Unable to reach Mike - 630- 26-8001 - For Your Tax Debt Refund. Accounting services apparently aren't part of the package with Glen Ellyn Tax Debt Assistance. Its lack of success reaching me could be because phone numbers in the U.S. have 10 digits, not 9.
--From: OSFAFinancialAidServices; Subject: mikesandro@msn.com, Looking for financial aid? Finally, a piece of junk e-mail I can use. I've contacted OSFA, hoping it can negotiate with the Bank of Ghana so I can get my $3 million inheritance.
No comments:
Post a Comment