Sen. Durbin wants a Carp Czar? Appoint me!

A few weeks ago, the senior U.S. senator from my home state of Illinois, Richard Durbin -- nice fellow, but we're polar opposites politically -- urged President Barack Obama to appoint a "Carp Czar," who would oversee efforts to keep Asian carp out of the Great Lakes.

Even though the prospect of Asian carp getting into Lake Michigan is a serious matter because they could destroy the lake's ecosystem -- they embrace Taco Bell's fourth meal plan, and it's not unusual for them to tip the scales anywhere between 40 to 100 pounds -- I couldn't help but ponder cynical thoughts after hearing Durbin's proposal.

"Must be a slow news day."
"Just what the czar-happy Obama Administration needs: another czar."
"Since carp are bottom-feeders -- like most politicians -- it shouldn't be too difficult to appoint a Carp Czar directly from Capitol Hill. Since Durbin made the proposal, Obama should give him first crack at it. What do you think, Senator? ... "

Then it hit me: Durbin already is gainfully employed (though I hope he'll be filing for unemployment benefits after the 2016 elections should he seek to run for another term). And I'm looking for a new career opportunity (see my Linkedin profile).

So look no further, Mr. President. I'm your man!

What qualifies me to serve in this prestgious post? Well, nothing really, although I grew up along the Illinois River -- Peru, LaSalle, Ottawa, Spring Valley -- where I'm sure the number of Asian carp currently flopping around in the river outnumbers the entire area population.

I thought I saw a couple of them jump out of the water once while cruising the Illinois River as a passenger on my sister and brother-in-law's recreational boat. And long before Asian carp invaded the river, I remember hooking a common carp or two (Cyprinus carpio) as a tot while fishing with my Dad.

However, I do have practical experience working at the federal level. I knocked on doors for the U.S. Census this past spring. And believe me, it's much more difficult to catch people at home who blew off filling out their Census questionnaire than it is to catch Asian carp, which practically jump into your boat.

Come to think of it, why do I need to beef up my resume in order to be appointed Carp Czar? There are over 40 czars in the Obama Administration already -- everything from a Weapons of Mass Destruction Czar to an Economic Czar (and Economic Czar No. 2), to a Food Czar ... which also would be a good fit for me. I'd make the McDouble mandatory in every school lunch program.

How many of these czars have done anything noteworthy or newsworthy?

My guess is that a Carp Czar would largely be a ceremonial position. I'd be happy to go through the motions and cash my check every Friday.

But just to make it look like I'm actually doing something, I'll hold meetings twice a month. Each meeting will be open to the general public. Those who attend are urged to bring their laptops because there's plenty of YouTube footage on Asian carp we can watch -- like this video, which shows kids going tubing on the Illinois River ... all the while trying to avoid getting clocked by spooked Asian carp: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjHGwKHICsQ&feature=related

(However, viewer discretion is advised. It's best to turn the audio down. Way down. Otherwise, you run the risk of getting your ear drums blown out by some  annoying woman who's laughing and screaming hysterically throughout most of the video.)

In addition to bi-monthly meetings, we could go to Starved Rock State Park on  weekend fact-finding missions. The Illinois River runs along Starved Rock. Who knows? We may spot a few Asian carp jumping out of the water. After completing our civic duty, we can hit the buffet at the Starved Rock Lodge (they have a nice spread), then do a little swimming or hiking ... all on Uncle Sam's dime!

When do I start, Sen. Durbin?