All-time bad songs: The readers have their say ...

The Scriptures say, "Ask, and Ye shall receive." Well, a few weeks ago, after submitting my list of Bottom 10 all-time bad songs (see previous post below), I asked you to provide me with a few of yesteryear's unforgettable tunes that make your ears burn and your stomach churn.

And did you ever  ... so much so that we can't list all your picks here. Therefore, I've chosen what I think are the 10 best (ahem, worst) tunes of the bunch that you sent me, along with an Honorable Mention list at the end. I pride myself at being a connoisseur of bad music, yet even I had either forgotten about -- or overlooked -- the following oldies, but baddies.

So pat yourselves on the back, folks. And cover your ears. Here we go with your picks (in no particular order):

(From: Mark) Eres Tu (Mocedades, 1973) -- Mark writes: "Eres Tu is so bad, I remember where I was -- no kidding -- when I first heard this: in the car with my Mom driving our Corvair!!! I almost barfed! I guess I had a flashback." For those of you who are still on the fence as to whether or not English should be the official language in the U.S., listening to this might sway your vote:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1s3BIX0duKs

(From: Cousin Paul) Billy Don't Be a Hero (Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods, 1974) -- We in the Sandrolini family can sniff out bad music a mile away. My cousin, Paul, reminded me of this anti-war hymn, originally recorded by Paper Lace -- a band that subjected children of the '70s to silly story songs such as "The Night Chicago Died." Hate to give away the ending to this video, but Billy meets a similar fate. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0lKmznjgfQ

(From: Jason) Only Wanna Be With You (Hootie and the Blowfish, 1995) -- Ladies, if you're shopping for a fellow, and part of your "must have" list includes "cries when he sees dolphins," then Hootie's your man. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZesRI6HhuXQ
(From: Several of You) I've Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates; You've Got a Brand New Key (Melanie Safka, 1971) -- Sample lyrics: I rode my bicycle past your window last night; I rollerskated to your door at daylight. It almost seems like you're avoiding me; I'm OK alone, but you've got something I need." Stalker laws went into the books shortly after this tune hit the airwaves. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p02DgHeGdyI

(From: Jerry) Jerry makes a case for I Am I Said (Neil Diamond, 1971) being a wonderful song, but he puts in a vote for the all-time bad lyric (which happens to be in this song). Jerry writes: "It (I Am I Said) is deep and psychological and mystic and all that until we get to the classic line, 'And no one spoke to me, NOT EVEN THE CHAIR.' I mean, really, come on! Even the chair wouldn't talk to you? The couch, yeah, we know. The end table? Always a snob. But not even the chair? That's just too much to accept." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wYpVy9W29M&feature=related

(From: Author of Choice Words) Sweet Caroline (Neil Diamond, 1969) -- Sorry to interrupt our readers' picks for a minute. While on the topic of Neil Diamond -- and with respect to any woman named Caroline; you are sweet! -- why do cover bands feel obligated to play "Sweet Caroline"? If you hear of a band -- any band -- that leaves it off their set list, please let me know. I'll gladly volunteer to be their booking agent. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w-_Vtttrfc

Now, back to the music ...

(From: Jim) What's Up (4 Non Blondes, 1993) -- Jim writes: "I want to kill myself every time I have to hear this which, unfortunately, is frequently." Reincarnation must exist because I'm guessing Jim is not the only one who's taken a dirt nap after listening to this convoluted nonsense. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwCt0YQPn7g

(From: Lisa) What's New, Pussycat (Tom Jones, 1965) -- At least someone agreed with one of my Bottom 10 picks. Lisa writes: "I had never heard the Tom Jones/Pussycat song. I was expecting a cheesy-fun period piece, but TJ's voice could not make up for the painfully repetetive lyric. It improved my humor to see 'The Last Exorcism' trailer prominently displayed under 'suggestions' as I exited the song."

(From: Mary) It's a Heartache (Bonnie Tyler, 1977) -- Mary writes: "That song is like fingernails on chalkboard to me." Once you hear Bonnie's growling voice, I think you'll agree that a comment I found posted below this YouTube video probably sums it up best: "What if she and Rod Stewart had kids?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8VGQTtENSs

(From: Jim) Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime (Paul McCartney, 1979) -- Jim gets major kudos for mentioning bad Yuletide music. "Merry Christmas Darling" (The Carpenters) and "Last Christmas" (Wham!) are two other tunes guaranteed to ruin the holiday spirit ... and make you reach into your liquor cabinet to mix a stronger glass of eggnog.

(From: Rich) Chewy Chewy (The Ohio Express, 1969) -- The Ohio Express had a thing for associating various stages of digestion with relationships. Another one of their tunes is titled, "Yummy Yummy Yummy " (I've got love in my tummy). It should come as no surprise that the group's record imprint was Buddha Records. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvVSQauwnBM

Honorable mention:

• My Girl Bill (Jim Stafford, 1974) -- From the man who brought us "(I don't like) Spiders and Snakes."
• Cha Cha Slide (DJ Casper, 2000) -- DJ keeps promising a "part three" to the Cha Cha Slide. Thankfully, he's never delivered on that promise.
• Maneater (Hall & Oates, 1982) -- Oh, here she comes ... watch out boy, she'll chew you up. See "Chewy, Chewy."
• Everybody Have Fun Tonight (Wang Chung, 1986) -- Other notable selections in this genre: "Turning Japanese" and "Kung Fu Fighting."
• Sister Christian (Night Ranger, 1984) -- Big brother gives little sister poignant advice on finding Mr. Right. Feel the love.

My list of bottom 10 all-time bad songs

I should do myself a favor and hit the sack late in the evening, but I aimlessly start flipping channels instead. I"ve lost count of how many channels nowadays want to sell you something "for just 50 easy payments of only $29.99."

Since I'm a sucker for nostalgic pop music that reminds me of my youth, I end up zeroing in on whatever 1960s, '70s or '80s music collection Gunthy-Renker happens to be hawking during a given evening.

One night, I burned 15 to 20 minutes of my life listening to Bobby Goldsboro and his lady sidekick promoting a 160-song collection titled, "Pop Hits of the 1960." I waited for Goldsboro -- who at age 69 miraculously has a full head of either Hairline Creations or Just For Men-enhanced jet black hair -- to announce one of my favorite 1960s tunes, "Incense and Peppermints." (I was 8 when this tune hit the airwaves. I never could understand the lyrics, but it had a good groove, nice harmonies ... and timely use of a cowbell. Later, I found out it was the unofficial anthem for those in the '60s who racked up frequent flyer miles on LSD Airlines.)

But he never did. Then I started recalling all the bad tunes (with sappy titles) Goldsboro recorded in the '60s and '70s, such as "See the Funny Little Clown," "Watching Scotty Grow" and "Honey."

I think Bobby and Gunthy-Renker ought to consider an infomercial that promotes my pop set, which I just developed, called "Tarnished Gold." For 5 easy payments of just $19.99, you'll receive a smorgasbord of duds that are guaranteed to make your skin crawl -- 3 cuts each from the '60s, '70s and '80s, along with one tune from the '90s which, I'm sure, you'll recognize ... and despise. AND a bonus selection!

Cover your ears because here's what you get:

Walk Like a Man (Frankie Valli, 1963) -- Walk like a man. Talk like a man. Yo, Frankie: Please sing like a man! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMYZBVbifh8&feature=related

What's New Pussycat (Tom Jones, 1965) -- Legend has it that songwriting legends Burt Bacharach and Hal David never wrote a bad song. I beg to differ. Listener discretion is advised: It's just horrible! Tom, you're better than this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBdSqk78nHw

Brown Eyed Girl (Van Morrison, 1967) -- I think I detest Brown Eyed Girl -- overplayed each weekend by cover bands across America -- more than Go Cubs Go (see entry below). And that's saying something. If this lands me in the dog house with every lady on the plant, so be it. Sha la la la la la la la la te-da? How about: Sha la la la la la la la la blah blah-blah. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdRRLgewYV0&feature=related

Lovin' You (Minnie Riperton, 1975) -- Remember (if you're over 40) those commercials about the quality of Memorex cassette recording tape being so good that it could record Ella Fitzgerald hitting a high note ... and the recording would shatter glass? Well, meet Minnie, who reportedly had a vocal range of five-and-a-half octaves. Minnie never inked a commercial deal with Memorex, so she shattered eardrums instead. http://vodpod.com/watch/1363372-loving-you-minnie-riperton

Muskrat Love (Captain and Tennille, 1976) -- 1976 was the year of our nation's bicentennial, yet the best we could do musically is a ditty about two rodents getting frisky. Sample lyrics: Now he's tickling her fancy, rubbing her toes. Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes ... How Muskrat Suzie and Muskrat Sam managed to jitterbug their way to No. 4 on the Billboard charts, I'll never know. http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=8597

Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (Gordon Lightfoot, 1976) -- This was Canada's bicentennial gift to the U.S. (Gordy is from Ontario). Lake Michigan simply doesn't measure up to the big lake they call Gitche Gumee. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0DqPSF2fyo&feature=related

Puttin on the Ritz (Taco, 1981) -- The 1980s had its share of gender-benders -- Boy George, George Michael and Annie Lennox, among others. Add Taco -- aka, Taco Ockerse, a Dutch singer and entertainer -- to the list. Maybe it was his makeup job, or the way in which he dragged out the word Ritzzzzzzzzzzzz (kind of creepy). Whatever the case, Taco turned this Irving Berlin classic into Taco Hell. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1WryA_24JA

Go Cubs Go (Steve Goodman, 1984) -- I blame my continuous disdain for Chicago's National League ballclub directly on this dopey tune. Personally, I find "Go Blame It On Steve Bartman" much more soothing to the ear (click on video). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBHxkyY6m2k&feature=related

Never Gonna Give You Up (Rick Astley, 1987) -- Unless he's pulling a Milli Vanilli, Rick Astley has a powerful alpha male voice. But then you see him on this video -- a prototype Joe Weider 98-pound weakling crooning about wanting to tell his woman how he's feeling and -- gulp -- wanting a full commitment in a relationship. A man sharing his feelings? Thinking of a full commitment? Stop yourself, Rick! Hate to break the news to you, pal, but your man card has been revoked -- for life! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion, 1997) -- Fortunately, my heart has gone on because Celine has been quaranteened in Las Vegas since 2003 doing night shows. Rather than torture you (and me) with a video of the theme from Titanic, here's a clip from "The Celine Dion Show," a 1998 Saturday Night Live spoof (Celine is played by Ana Gasteyer).  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPwLSl_IWSI&feature=related

Now for our bonus tune:

Ballerina Girl (Lionel Richie, 1986) -- I prefer the Elmer Fudd version: Balla-weena girl ... you are so wove-wee. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1w9lr_lionel-richie-ballerina-girl_music

What are some of the tunes that make your ears burn and/or stomach churn? Please list a couple of your "favorites" in the comments section below, and we'll put them into a future blog.

Sen. Durbin wants a Carp Czar? Appoint me!

A few weeks ago, the senior U.S. senator from my home state of Illinois, Richard Durbin -- nice fellow, but we're polar opposites politically -- urged President Barack Obama to appoint a "Carp Czar," who would oversee efforts to keep Asian carp out of the Great Lakes.

Even though the prospect of Asian carp getting into Lake Michigan is a serious matter because they could destroy the lake's ecosystem -- they embrace Taco Bell's fourth meal plan, and it's not unusual for them to tip the scales anywhere between 40 to 100 pounds -- I couldn't help but ponder cynical thoughts after hearing Durbin's proposal.

"Must be a slow news day."
"Just what the czar-happy Obama Administration needs: another czar."
"Since carp are bottom-feeders -- like most politicians -- it shouldn't be too difficult to appoint a Carp Czar directly from Capitol Hill. Since Durbin made the proposal, Obama should give him first crack at it. What do you think, Senator? ... "

Then it hit me: Durbin already is gainfully employed (though I hope he'll be filing for unemployment benefits after the 2016 elections should he seek to run for another term). And I'm looking for a new career opportunity (see my Linkedin profile).

So look no further, Mr. President. I'm your man!

What qualifies me to serve in this prestgious post? Well, nothing really, although I grew up along the Illinois River -- Peru, LaSalle, Ottawa, Spring Valley -- where I'm sure the number of Asian carp currently flopping around in the river outnumbers the entire area population.

I thought I saw a couple of them jump out of the water once while cruising the Illinois River as a passenger on my sister and brother-in-law's recreational boat. And long before Asian carp invaded the river, I remember hooking a common carp or two (Cyprinus carpio) as a tot while fishing with my Dad.

However, I do have practical experience working at the federal level. I knocked on doors for the U.S. Census this past spring. And believe me, it's much more difficult to catch people at home who blew off filling out their Census questionnaire than it is to catch Asian carp, which practically jump into your boat.

Come to think of it, why do I need to beef up my resume in order to be appointed Carp Czar? There are over 40 czars in the Obama Administration already -- everything from a Weapons of Mass Destruction Czar to an Economic Czar (and Economic Czar No. 2), to a Food Czar ... which also would be a good fit for me. I'd make the McDouble mandatory in every school lunch program.

How many of these czars have done anything noteworthy or newsworthy?

My guess is that a Carp Czar would largely be a ceremonial position. I'd be happy to go through the motions and cash my check every Friday.

But just to make it look like I'm actually doing something, I'll hold meetings twice a month. Each meeting will be open to the general public. Those who attend are urged to bring their laptops because there's plenty of YouTube footage on Asian carp we can watch -- like this video, which shows kids going tubing on the Illinois River ... all the while trying to avoid getting clocked by spooked Asian carp: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjHGwKHICsQ&feature=related

(However, viewer discretion is advised. It's best to turn the audio down. Way down. Otherwise, you run the risk of getting your ear drums blown out by some  annoying woman who's laughing and screaming hysterically throughout most of the video.)

In addition to bi-monthly meetings, we could go to Starved Rock State Park on  weekend fact-finding missions. The Illinois River runs along Starved Rock. Who knows? We may spot a few Asian carp jumping out of the water. After completing our civic duty, we can hit the buffet at the Starved Rock Lodge (they have a nice spread), then do a little swimming or hiking ... all on Uncle Sam's dime!

When do I start, Sen. Durbin?

LeBron James and "real-life stuff"

I swore I wasn't going to tune into ESPN to witness the most overhyped TV charade since Geraldo Rivera peeked into Al Capone's safe nearly 30 years ago and discovered it was empty (save for a few pockets of dust).

But with t-minus 2 minutes and counting until the clock struck 8:00 (CST) and LeBron James preparing to reveal to the world (finally) where he'll be ballin' the next few years, I succumbed to the hype and clicked my remote control.

Good evening, and welcome to The Decision -- not to be confused with Decision 2010, which will air later this year; or The Apprentice, or The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette). That's exactly how it was listed on my cable TV listings: The Decision.

Of course, ESPN played the drama queen card, and dragged King James' announcement out another 15 minutes as a roundtable of talking heads weighed in with their prognostications. Would King James, a native of Akron, Ohio, resist the overtures of big-market teams in New York, New Jersey, Los Angeles, Miami -- and my Chicago Bulls -- and return to reign over the Cleveland Cavaliers -- the club with whom he spent the past seven seasons?

Stay tuned. But first, these messages ...

Welcome back. Finally, the camera zooms in on King James, sitting across from sportscaster Jim Gray (whom he handpicked for this spectacle, along with ESPN) at the Boys & Girls Club's national headquarters in Greenwich, Connecticut.

Gray lobbed King James a few prefunctory questions, then -- at 22 minutes past the hour -- he posed The Question: So, Your Highness, have you made The Decision?

The King issued his edict: "I'm going to take my talents to South Beach."

A few minutes later, ESPN showed patrons at a Miami bar cheering wildly, then cut to a scene at a Cleveland bar, where understandable shouts of "Nooo!" and looks of dejection and disgust could be seen throughout the establishment.

But the backlash in and around a city snubbed by their former hero and King was just getting started. It didn't take long before video of Cleveland fans setting fire to their LeBron jerseys surfaced. Then Cavaliers majority owner Dan Gilbert posted a blistering open letter on the team's Web site, blasting James for his decision.

In fairness to LeBron, as a free agent, he had the right to sign with whatever team he wanted. Gilbert's rants made him sound more like an adolescent than a business owner while playing on the anger of Cleveland fans. And his vow that the Cavs would win an NBA title before Lebron does was downright silly. (I guess anything is possible, but if the Cavs couldn't win it all with Lebron, how do they think they're going to go about it without him?)

That said, Gilbert summed up what most of us who witnessed all the nonsense were thinking all along: LeBron engaged in several days of "narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his 'decision' unlike anything ever witnessed in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment."

(Speaking of narcisscists, Rev. Jesse Jackson -- never one to miss out on a  photo-op -- got into the fray, saying Gilbert "spoke as an owner of LeBron and not the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers ... his feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality. He sees LeBron as a runaway slave." Leave it to Jesse to come up with a cockamamie theory like this.)

I don't know who in LeBron's inner circle bent his ear to request TV time just to make this announcement (as if James were the president requesting TV time to address the nation on an urgent matter). As one columnist suggested, why didn't LeBron simply post his decision on Twitter and cut a check to the Boys and Girls Club, instead of opting for a nationally televised 3-ring circus which -- unintentional or not -- dissed the city and state which he calls home? It turned out to be a PR disaster for James who, prior to The Decision, was one of the more popular and admired athletes in the country. Not only is his national image tarnished, he may never live this down in northeast Ohio.

If that wasn't enough, James flew to his new digs and engaged in a second consecutive day of public self-immersion with his new superstar teammates, Chris Bosh and Dywane Wade.

Yet as ridiculous as all of the above has been, I found a statement uttered by some pie-in-the-sky co-anchor on ESPN just before The Decision aired to be equally as annoying.

Urging the masses to stay tuned, the co-anchor gushed, "This is real-life stuff."

Puh-leese.

In the real world, "real-life stuff " is wondering how you'll make ends meet, pay the mortgage and put your kid through college when both you and your husband lose your jobs within a matter of a few months. "Real-life stuff" is a distraught father, Bruno, pleading for prayer and advice after finding out his daughter was diagnosed with a Stage 4 brain tumor. (Both stories I've heard about recently.)

What is so "real life" about a professional basketball player worth an estimated $90 million turning down a max contract just so he could be on the same team with two other multi-millionaire basketball players and try to win a sports championship? (Keep in mind each of the Three Kings will end up socking away $100 million over 6 years, anyway.)

It's interesting that The Walt Disney Company owns ESPN. Because nowadays, I can't help but think I'm watching the Disney Channel instead of ESPN.

Which gender likes to play footsie with the dashboard? And why?

It's well-documented that women talk more than men. I've heard most women utter an average of 20,000 words per day, compared to around 7,000 per day used by most men.

I won't dispute these numbers. But I will note that between speaking, writing and thinking -- mind you, I consider thinking as the art of having a conversation with oneself -- I probably hit the 20K mark every day.

We all know there are other notable differences between men and women:

• Most women love cats. Most men say nice things about their wife's or girlfriend's cat in their presence ... then they'll offer a different perspective when they're out with the boys.
• Most men hate watching figure skating and/or "Dancing With the Stars," while most women sit glued to the tube when either show comes on. (I'm one of those sensitive men, however, who tunes in every so often to "The Bachelor" just to watch the catfights ... and to see who he dumps at the end of the program.)
• Putting smiley faces in e-mails is definitely a girl thing. Any man who enjoys putting smiley faces in his e-mails, well, don't be surprised if you see him in boot camp with one of those drill sergeants on Maury Povich.
• Women like to dance. You'll only see me out cutting the rug if the band plays "Walk Like an Egyptian" by The Bangels.
• Men will ask for directions only as a last resort. (Me? Guilty as charged.) Women stop and ask for directons the moment they feel they're lost.
• Most women I know are Cubs fans, and I've figured out why. They're already used to men letting them down time and time again (and they like teddy bears). What's your excuse, fellas?

Men do things that women find either irritating or disgusting, such as not listening, belching at high decible levels, emitting flatulence at inopportune moments (do you really want me to say "passing gas" on a family blog?) ... and leaving the toilet seat up. OK, ladies; you've got us there.

But contrary to popular belief, men are not as clueless as women might think. In fact, I've discovered a trait that's unique to women simply by being observant on the highways and byways. I'd even bet this trait has never been analyzed or discussed on Oprah.

Let's say it's a warm day. A lady happens to be sitting in the passenger seat with either her husband or significant other behind the wheel. She gets comfy, kicks off her shoes and plops her bare feet up on the dashboard.

I have never, ever -- ever -- seen a guy with his bare feet up on the dashboard.

So, if you're a woman who sticks her bare feet up on the dashboard, I'm not picking on you. I'm just curious. In the interest of better understanding between the sexes, please shed some light as to why you do what you do.

It can't be to dry the polish on your toenails. Or to tan your metatarsals through the windshield.

The comments section below is all yours ...

The Most Interesting Man in the World (Part 2: New Lines)

My fascination with Dos Equis' "Most Interesting Man in the World" commercials continues ...

A little trivia on the actor who plays "The Most Interesting Man in the World" (what other blog provides you with such vital information!): His real name is Jonathan Goldsmith, who'll be 72 in September. His accent in the commercials, by the way, is fake. The accent mimicks that of Fernando Lamas, a friend of Goldsmith's who was an Argentine-born American actor and director (Lamas died several years ago).

According to Wikipedia, Goldsmith has appeared on over 45 TV series, including Dynasty, Eight Is Enough, Hawaii Five-O, Knots Landing, Magnum P.I., The A-Team and Dallas. ("Who Shot J.R.?" had Dallas fans on the edge of their seats in 1980. But since Goldsmith appeared 13 times on Dallas, there's no doubt he was the star of the show, not J.R. So a little revisionist history is in order: It's not "Who Shot J.R." but "Who shot J.G.?")

Here's a video clip of Goldsmith being interviewed at the 2009 World Music Awards by an obviously star-struck young lady (whose line of questioning, I must say, wasn't particularly interesting). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Brkx_6wKNhQ&feature=related

Last week, we mentioned that a new batch of Dos Equis commercials has hit the airwaves (both television and radio). Here's video from one of those spots: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zD6jKvqTO8

These ads have spawned a host of fresh lines that build on his already impeccable legacy ...

• Signs that say, "This is not an exit," don't apply to him.
• He likes the word "fog."
• His business card just says, "I'll call you."
• He once challenged his own reflection to a staring contest ... on the fourth day, he won."
• If he rides with you in your car, its resale value will instantly increase.
• The contents of his tacos refuse to fall from the shell.
• If you were to see him walking a Chihuahua, it would still look masculine. 
• The Aztec calendar has his birthday chiseled in.
• Dicing onions doesn't make him cry...it only makes him stronger.
• He once went to a psychic ... to warn her.
• He has been the Best Man at weddings for grooms he has never even met.

If you've seen (or heard) the commercials, what are a few of your favorite lines? Please share them in comments (below).

The Most Interesting Man in the World (not me -- the commercials!)

Like many of you, I'm sure, I've been entertained by beer commercials for as long as I can remember.

A few years ago, Miller conducted an advertising campaign called "Man Laws," which I thought was quite amusing. A group of celebrities (among them: Burt Reynolds, ex-Pittsburgh Steeler running back Jerome Bettis and current NFL analyst Jimmy Johnson) who were deemed "Men of the Square Table," sat around a square table and issued edicts for what is (or is not) a proper response to common male situations, such as: "Your best friend is dumped by his girlfriend. How long before you can ask her out?" Or "What does Man Law say about hugging other guys?"

Admittedly, I do get a chuckle out of recent Miller Lite commercials in which men express more fondness for their beer than their girlfriends. One, in particular, shows a couple sitting at a bar/restaurant. The fellow's girlfriend tells him she loves him. He, in turn, gets tongue-tied. (Here's the video clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynZ5okiPAhk&feature=related)

Bud Light's "Real Men of Genius" spots are good for some laughs (here's a sample video clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFfq6J-rKns). And a new series of radio ads by Miller Lite comparing great-tasting beer to average-tasting beer has piqued my interest, as well. ("Ever get attacked by an average white shark? I have ... in the form of a week-old tuna fish sandwich." And "If the Great Wall of China was the Average Wall of China, it would run through the city of Shang-low (instead of Shanghi).")

However, as creative as these advertisements are, they simply can't hold a candle to Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World" advertising campaign. If I happen to be flipping through channels, or listening to the radio in my car, and I come across a "Most Interesting Man in the World" commercial, I turn up the volume ... even if I've already heard a particular commercial numerous times.

Truth be told, I've sampled Dos Equis (please don't tell my church pastor) and, frankly, it doesn't taste very good. In fact, I don't particularly like beer, and I turn my nose up at most alcoholic beverages. It's just that these Dos Equis spots feature some of the most clever lines I've heard in a long time. Here's a video clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYdwe3ArFWA&feature=related

The Most Interesting Man in the World literally can do no wrong. And the world literally revolves around him.

A few of the most memorable lines that describe The Most Interesting Man in the World:

• He lives vicariously ... through himself.
• He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
• It is said that the sun rises later on May 6th in case his Cinco de Mayo parties run later than planned.
• Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on, is the right side. If he were to cross them, he would still be on the right side.
• He has won the same lifetime achievement award -- twice.
• If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.
• He has never lost a sock. 
• The police often question him, just because they find him interesting.
• If he were to give you directions, you'd never get lost. And you would arrive at least 5 minutes early. 
• His shirts never wrinkle.

New TV and radio commercials with The Most Interesting Man in the World have been airing the past few months. We'll be providing the best lines from these new spots in our next post. Until then, "Stay thirsty, my friends!"

A salute to Uncle Jim

I can't attribute the following quote, but I once heard someone say that we should strive to leave this world a better place than we found it.

It's safe to say Dr. James Valesano -- better known as Uncle Jim to me -- accomplished the above with flying colors before he passed away earlier this week at age 84.

Uncle Jim's life was all about serving others. A part of the Greatest Generation, he was just a teen-ager in the early 1940s when his country asked him to go off to war. So he went, as a member of the U.S. Navy.

You can read about all the contributions Uncle Jim made during his distinguished career as an educator in the Aurora, Illinois school system -- grade school, high school and at Aurora University -- by clicking on this link: http://www.suburbanchicagonews.com/foxvalleysun/news/2321880,2_1_AU27_EASTOBITS_S1-100527.article

Uncle Jim also served his church as a deacon for many years (he began in 1975). I lost count of how many priests participated in his funeral Mass on Thursday morning. Their numbers -- along with the number of people who attended the Mass -- is a testament to how he served them, and the admiration they had for him.

"Jim had a delightful personality, was very engaging and extremely social," said Gary Jewel, a former West Aurora school superintendent who worked with Uncle Jim. "He loved people."

He loved his family even more. He had several pet names for his beloved wife of nearly 60 years, my Aunt Alma. One of them was Susie.

Susie suffered a stroke a few years ago. Eventually, she was placed in a nursing home. Uncle Jim attended to her needs every day ... and continued to do so even when he, too, had to take up residence at that same nursing home.

Uncle Jim slowed down considerably the last year or two of his life. Yet he always had a smile on his face. His mind remained sharp -- he'd regularly send us e-mail updates on Aunt Alma -- and his sense of humor was one of his best attributes. Conversations peppered with quips and jokes were the norm for Uncle Jim.

Uncle Jim regularly asked me what I had been writing about, and encouraged me in my efforts. But I'll let you in on a family secret: He was the writer extraordinaire in our family. If memory serves me correctly, he either edited, or contributed to, a number of books. I've got a long way to go before I even begin to equal Uncle Jim's efforts.

On this Memorial Day weekend, it seems only fitting to pay tribute to you, Uncle Jim. Thank you for your service to our country. But most of all, thank you for everything you've done for your family. And for bringing a smile to our faces.

"Well done, good and faithful servant." (Matthew 25:23)

The Pig Book, featuring the 'best' of pork barrel spending in Congress

Partisan bickering and nastiness among Congressional members on Capitol Hill these days is well-documented. One practice, however, that always promotes a spirit of bipartisanship in Congress is pork barrel spending -- which, as defined in Wikipedia (so it's got to be right!) is an "appropriation of government spending for localized projects secured solely or primarily to bring money to a representative's district."

In layman's language, it's how members of the House and Senate creatively "bring home the bacon" for their states and particular districts. One infamous example that comes to mind is the "Bridge to Nowhere" in Alaska that was supposed to connect the town of Ketchikan (population 8,900) with its airport on the island of Gravina (population 50) at a cost of $320 million. Yet as much as the practice of pork barrel spending is scorned, no doubt those Congressmen and Senators who've gotten behind certain projects use them as pawns (either directly or indirectly) when election time rolls them and say, "Look what I did for you!" if a particular project happens to benefit their constituents.

Apparently, pork barrel spending is down in Fiscal Year 2010. Nevertheless, it's still rampant (9,129 projects), as the nonprofit Citizens Against Government Waste organization documents each year in its book, appropriately titled: The 2010 Congressional Pig Book Summary.

Granted, the estimated $16.5 billion price tag for these pork barrel projects isn't much when compared to the out-of-control spending that's taken place in Washington over the past 25-30 years. But the following snippets I found in the 2010 Pig Book summary once again points out how widespread pork barrel spending is ... and how it cuts across party lines.

According to the book, each of these items "meet at least one of CAGW’s seven criteria, but must satisfy at least two:

"•Requested by only one chamber of Congress;

•Not specifically authorized;

•Not competitively awarded;

•Not requested by the President;

•Greatly exceeds the President’s budget request or the previous year’s funding;

•Not the subject of congressional hearings; or

•Serves only a local or special interest."
 
Without further ado, here are a few highlights (lowlights?) from the book's "Oinkers" of 2010, which recognizes "perseverance in the mad pursuit of pork":
 
-- The Thad the Impaler Award: To Sen. Thad Corcoran (R-Mississippi) for ringing up $490 million in pork.
-- The Jekyll and Hyde Award: To Rep. Leonard Lance, (R-New Jersey) for what the book says is "his ever-changing stance on earmarks; first signing a no-earmark pledge, then receiving $21 million in earmarks, then supporting the Republican earmark moratorium."
-- The Kick in the Asp Award: To Madeleine Bordallo, a delegate to Congress from Guam, who secured $500,000 for brown tree snakes control and interdiction. (Talk about a snake in the grass, huh?)
-- The Narcissist Award: To Senators Tom Harkin (Democrat, Iowa) and Robert Byrd (Democrat, West Virginia) -- Harkin for securing $7.2 million to continue the Harkin Grant Program, and Byrd for securing $7 million, which is headed to the Robert C. Byrd Institute of Advanced Flexible Manufacturing Systems.
-- The Hal Bent on Earmarking Award: To Kentucky GOP Rep. Harold "Hal" Rogers, who secured $10 million for the National Institute for Hometown Security.

Other selected pork barrel "highlights":

-- $250,000 secured by GOP Rep. Ed Whitfield of Kentucky "for construction of the Monroe County Farmer's Market."
-- $775,000 for the Institute for Food Science and Engineering (IFSE). which the book stated was "requested by Senate Agriculture Appropriations Subcommittee member Mark Pryor, Sen. Blanche Lincoln (both Arkansas Democrats) and Rep. John Boozman (a Republican, also from Arkansas). One of IFSE’s research areas is called 'Pickle Science and Technology' which the institute’s website boasts, 'is dedicated to increasing product value by improving production and quality of pickled vegetables.' "
-- $349,000 "for swine and other waste management by Sen. Kay Hagan, House appropriator David Price and Rep. Bob Etheridge (all Democrats from North Carolina)." Swine and waste managment, huh? (Both appropriate for pork barrel spending, wouldn't you agree!)
-- $1 million "by Senate appropriator Mary Landrieu (Democrat from Louisiana) for the Sewall-Belmont House in Washington, D.C., which holds private events, offers catering, and is visited by tourists who are encouraged to leave donations."
-- And my personal favorite: $400,000 appropriated by Sen. Herb Kohl (Democrat from Wisconsin) for the Institute for Sustainable Agriculture. According to the book, "One of the institute’s projects is promoting 'Slow Food.' As an answer to fast food, 'Slow Food' has been, according to the institute’s website, 'expanding over the past decade from dealing with issues of quality in cooking to include environmental and sustainable agriculture, social justice, and food sovereignty, among others.' "

Heck, I'm wondering if I can lobby a Congressman or Senator to secure $1 million or $2 million, and then have them send it my way. Then I can conduct ongoing research (using myself as a case study) to determine what effects doing absolutely nothing all day has on the human body.

Discover more about how Congress creatively pigs out on your tax dollars at: http://www.cagw.org/.

A short list of unique tunes from the 1960s (with videos!)

I've embraced many technological changes over the past 20 years ... except for one: the iPod -- that pocket-size contraption devised by Apple which allows you to store, and listen to, your favorite tunes. (In other words, your own personal jukebox.)

I do own an iPod Nano, which I won as a door prize early in 2009. Funny thing is, I've never taken it out of its plastic case. It's still sitting on my kitchen table.

Some Baby-Boomer habits are tough to break. Forget the iPod; I prefer my car radio, which is preset to 12 FM stations (6 on the FM1 band; 6 on FM2). Each station is either set to a rock, classic rock or oldies channel.

There are laws in the books that forbid talking on hand-held cell phones or texting while driving. I hope no municipality ever conjures up a law that prohibits drivers from punching buttons on the radio while one's vehicle is in motion because that's my major driving faux pas.

I still enjoy the element of surprise that radio provides. You never know what tune you might hear next.

During one recent button-pushing session, I dialed into the middle of a verse from a classic hit that I recall first hearing as a snot-nosed youngster with a crewcut on Chicago's WLS-AM when it was a Top 40 station --"California Dreamin' " by the Mamas and the Papas. The group featured the late Mama Cass Elliot, Denny Doherty, John Phillips and John's second wife, Michelle -- the lone surviving member of the group (who's been married 5 times herself).

John made infamous posthumous headlines last year when his daughter, Mackenzie Phillips (One Day at a Time and American Graffiti), revealed in her memoir that she and her father reportedly had an incestuous relationship. (So much for my innocent childhood memories of the Mamas and the Papas).

Dirty laundry aside, the Mamas and the Papas recorded a handful of chart-topping singles during the mid- to-late 1960s. Here's a link to the video clip from "California Dreamin" (don't laugh too hard, those of you who don't remember, or never lived through, this era!): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtVIhDgo_uU

What follows are a few more tunes from the 1960s (along with my own liner notes) that, for whatever reason, stood out in this impressionable child's mind back in the day:

"These Boots Are Made for Walkin' " (Nancy Sinatra, 1966) -- I remember first hearing Frank Sinatra's daughter belt out this ditty during, I believe, a family vacation in Minnesota. When you're a kid, and someone says, "One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you!," your ears perk up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRkovnss7sg Memorable lyrics: You keep lyin' when you oughta be truthin'; you keep losing when you oughta not bet. You keep same-in' when you oughta be a' changin'. What's right is right, but you ain't been right yet. A year later, Nancy and Ol' Blue Eyes teamed up for a duet, titled, "Somethin' Stupid," which also topped the charts.

"Touch Me" (The Doors, 1968) -- The following video clip is what I actually viewed live on the family black-and-white Zenith when Jim Morrison and The Doors appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show (a program that turned out to be a welcome reprieve after having to sit through Lawrence Welk at my Grandmother's house): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PECk9A-07Pw Memorable lyrics: I'm gonna love you 'till the heavens stops the rain. (Whatever that means ... then again, Morrison was a poet.) Morrison appeared to be on his best behavior that night -- a stark contrast to his performance with The Doors a year earlier on Ed Sullivan when CBS execs threw a fit after Morrison promised he wouldn't say the word "higher," which was part of the song, (as in high, a drug reference) on national TV -- but did so anyway. (Fast-forward 40-some years later, and just about anything goes on national TV nowadays. Ed Sullivan must be rolling over in his grave.)

"Age of Aquarius" (The 5th Dimension, 1969) -- The No. 1 hit of 1969 -- and the opening song in the musical "Hair" -- became an anthem of the psychedelic/long hair/peace/free love/war protest 1960s. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LANwIgpha7k&feature=related Memorable lyrics: When the Moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars. Then peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars. Actually, these lyrics, according to astrologer Neil Spencer in a Wikipedia entry, are "astrological gibberish as Jupiter aligns with Mars several times a year and the Moon is in the seventh house for about two hours every day." (But hey, whoever said song lyrics either had to make sense or be factually correct?!) The 5th Dimension also had hits such as "Up, Up and Away," "Wedding Bell Blues" and "One Less Bell to Answer." The group's most famous members, Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr., eventually married and performed as a duo, with a No. 1 hit in 1977: "You Don't Have to Be a Star (To Be in My Show)."

"Incense and Peppermints" (The Strawberry Alarm Clock, 1967) -- Great name for a band, and this tune had it all: a good groove, good harmonies, cowbell throughout (what song couldn't use more cowbell?) and strange lyrics. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhYLz63csS0&feature=related Memorable (strange) lyrics: Tune-a by the cockeyed world in two. Throw your pride to one side, it's the least you can do. Beatniks and politics, nothing is new. A yardstick for lunatics, one point of view. I get the "beatniks and politics" reference (both were centerpieces of 1960s culture). In order to try to understand the rest of this number, I plugged the phrase, "Incense and Peppermints lyrics meaning," into Mr. Google (still can't bring myself to use Bing). According to faq.com, the gist behind Incense and Peppermints is this: "The psychedelic age was in full swing when Incense and Peppermints became popular. Incense is often burned to mask the smell of marijuana. Peppermints are used to mask the smoke on a person's breath." OK, I get it now.

"Hair" (The Cowsills, 1969) -- The Cowsills, a family pop group from Newport, Rhode Island, consisting of 6 siblings and their mother, Barbara, were the inspiration for Shirley Jones, David Cassidy and The Partridge Family in the 1970s. "Hair" -- the group's renditon of the title song from the musical -- made it to No.2 on the pop charts in 1969 and was a million seller. Ironically, The Cowsills were all clean-cut. They each donned wigs for this video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFy-yzj02FE Memorable lyrics: Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair; shining, gleaming, streamin', flaxen, waxen. Give me down to there (hair!), shoulder length or longer (hair!); here baby, there mama, everywhere daddy daddy (hair!). The Cowsills also appeared on Ed Sullivan, The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and American Bandstand. A few of the band's original members still perform together periodically. In fact, their most recent performance took place earlier this month at the Quad Cities Waterfront Convention Center in Bettendorf, Iowa.

Here's a PC solution to team nicknames that are offensive ...

Putting pressure on schools to stop using nicknames that certain groups deem offensive isn't exclusive to the politically correct decades of the 1990s and 2000s. It's been going on longer than that.  

Check out this list of schools/teams that have either dropped their old nicknames for new ones and/or have discontinued using their mascots at: http://www.jayrosenstein.com/pages/honormascots.html

In certain cases, I can understand the need to change a school or team's nickname because it's blatantly offensive. The most classic example that comes to mind for me is Pekin (Illinois) High School, whose teams were called "the Chinks" until 1980. (The school's mascot was a student dressed as a Chinaman who wore a coolie hat and banged a gong when the team scored a point.)

A few miles up the road from Pekin is the city of Peoria, home of Bradley University and the Bradley Braves. The school has kept the nickname Braves, but dumped its mascot several years ago.

Bradley is on a list of schools being watched by big brother NCAA for what it deems "hostile and abusive use" of Native American imagery. (Yes, this is the same principled organization which sets rules and regulations for everything under the sun, yet never seems to pass up an opportunity to make more money on the backs of student athletes. See Exhibit A: the NCAA is considering expanding the recently concluded NCAA men's basketball tournament from 64 to 96 teams.)

I noticed this week Bradley's students voted in a nonbinding referendum that asks school administrators to come up with an "appropriate" mascot. Pat Oklendorf, editor of the Bradley student newspaper, told the Associated Press he believes "a lot of people seem to be attached to the Braves name, but they want some sort of character (aka, a mascot)" to be put in place.

Here's a thought: if the NCAA really believes any member school whose teams bear a nickname it considers offensive to Native Americans -- or any other group, for that matter -- why not simply inform officials at each school that they have one year to get rid of the nickname and come up with a new name? That'll put an end to forcing schools like Bradley to continue walking this silly PC tightrope. (On a completely different tangent, why is it that there's never much of a fuss made about professional sports teams which have turned handsome profits with nicknames such as the Indians (Cleveland) the Braves (Atlanta), the Redskins (Washington), the Chiefs (Kansas City) and the Blackhawks (Chicago) for decades? Just wondering.)

I've got an even better solution: since every group likely can find something offensive in every team's nickname, why not do away with nicknames altogether -- from high school, to college, to pro teams? That's right! A clean sweep. No nicknames.

Think about it. Members of PETA, for example, are probably offended by teams that use animal nicknames. And I imagine any team called "the Cougars" not only would offend PETA members -- it would get an earful from single women over 40 who choose to identify themselves as cougars!

What about teams that are called "the Devils," or go by some other demonic name. It's got to offend some, if not all, Christians, right? And can't the same be said about atheists, who no doubt find nicknames such as the Friars, the Preachers (Johnson Bible College, Knoxville, Tennessee), the Praying Colonels (Centre College, Danville, Kentucky) and, of course, the Saints, offensive? Then there's the Vanderbilt University Commodores. Hey, isn't that Lionel Richie's old band? They certainly have to be offended!

We have the Agnes Scott College (Decatur, Georgia) Scotties, the New York Lower East Side Prep Immigrants, the Eufaula (Oklahoma) High School Ironheads (somehow I can relate to being an Ironhead), the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, the Lewisville (Texas) Fighting Farmers and the Laona (Wisconsin) Fighting Kellys.

Then there's the Yuma (Arizona) High School Criminals (What are the cheers like at that school? Go Criminals ... fight, fight, fight!?), the Madeira (Ohio) Amazons (just the girls' teams), the California State University-Long Beach Dirtbags (that's the name of the baseball team -- I kid you not!) ...

And last, but not least: the Watersmeet Township (Michigan) Nimrods.

On behalf of Nimrods everywhere, I take offense to that!

The Case for Christ (Happy Easter!)

This weekend, many of us will gather with our families to celebrate Easter. We'll likely attend a church service -- Easter and Christmas are the two dates in which churches of all Christian denominations see their greatest attendance -- and head off after the service to an area restaurant for a nice dinner. (And if you're one who has given up a specific food item for Lent, you'll likely feast on that item Sunday!)

But Easter, of course, isn't about church services (as good as they are) or dinners, Easter egg hunts, chocolate Easter bunnies or Easter baskets. Commemorating Christ's death and resurrection is what Easter's all about. Remember when holding up a John 3:16 sign in the end zone was the rage at college and pro football games? Well, there's meaning behind John 3:16. It's a verse in the New Testament that is one of Christianity's centerpieces: "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son; that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life."

This is the hope I have as a Christian. But admittedly there are times when I could use some reassurance. So if your faith needs a boost, I'd like to recommend a couple of books this Easter weekend you might want to check out.

I lifted the title for this blog post directly from a book, called The Case for Christ, published by Zondervan. It was written in 1998 by Lee Strobel, a former teaching pastor at Willow Creek Community Church in Barrington, IL. What's interesting about Strobel is that he was once an atheist. And I can certainly relate to him because he's a fellow journalist. (Strobel was a legal affairs reporter at the Chicago Tribune.)

It took Strobel nearly 2 years to research this book, and he approached his research from the mindset of an atheist. He conducted interviews with 13 leading scholars and authorities, and examined such questions as, "Do the biographies (contained in the Gospels) of Jesus stand up to scrutiny?" "Does archaeology confirm or contradict Jesus' biographies?" "Was Jesus crazy when He claimed to be the Son of God?" "Was Jesus' death a sham and His resurrection a hoax?" "Are there any supporting facts that point to the resurrection?"

At the end of his research, Strobel reached this conclusion: "In light of the convincing facts I had learned during my investigation, in the face of this overwhelming avalanche of evidence in the case for Christ, the great irony was this: it would require much more faith for me to maintain my atheism than to trust in Jesus of Nazareth!"

The other book I recommend is titled, 90 Minutes in Heaven, by Don Piper with Cecil Murphey (Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group). A New York Times bestseller, it's the story about Piper -- an ordained minister whom medical personnel ruled had died instantly after his car was hit head-on and crushed by a semi that crossed into his lane in January, 1989.

EMTs became involved with others at the scene, and left Piper's body alone for 90 minutes. They then checked for a pulse again. No pulse. Shortly thereafter, a minister arrived on the scene, and authorities allowed him to pray over Piper's lifeless body, which was covered by a tarp. Piper miraculously regained consciousness.

Piper underwent 34 surgeries and still lives with debilitating injuries. But between the time he was initially declared dead and regained consciousness, Piper describes in vivid detail his time in heaven, where he was reunited with relatives and friends who had died before him -- and the sights and sounds he experienced while there.

I've read plenty of skeptical comments on Web sites which dismiss Piper as a fraud who's out to make a buck. One post said Piper's books "follow a 3-step program: 1. Go to heaven; 2.Come back and tell about it; 3. Make money."

Although there are many documented cases of near-death experiences, Piper lays out compelling reasons -- medically based and otherwise -- why what he experienced does not fall into this category. I'd simply recommend that you read this book and its sequel, Heaven is Real. I couldn't put either of them down. And I can tell you after reading both books that I won't be typing in comments labeling Piper a huckster.

Happy Easter!

The Best of Junk E-mail: Volume I

Junk e-mail. You get it; I get it. I've learned my lessons over the years via the school of hard computer knocks -- in the form of computer crashes and viruses -- not to open the contents.

Most of it is laughably ridiculous -- especially those e-mails which contain a supposed "business opportunity of a lifetime" where one can earn $400 per day doing simple data entry, or notices from, say, the Bank of Ghana, that state I've inherited $3 million.

There's an institution in the River North area of Chicago called the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. If any of its students wants to become the next Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung or B.F. Skinner, I'd suggest rounding up a group of these whack jobs and conducting case studies to determine what compels them to spend all of their waking hours dreaming up (and sending) junk e-mails.

But I must say that I'm tempted to open a few of them just from what appears in the subject line.

I'm sure you've seen portions of those half-hour infomercials hawking album packages such as "Power Ballads of the '80s" hosted by a weepy member of Air Supply, Journey or Night Ranger. (Or if you're like me and don't have a life, you sit through the entire half-hour with a box of Klennex always within reach).

Well, in this vain, let's call today's entry, "The Best of Junk E-mail: Volume I" -- or the best junk e-mail I've received over the past 2-3 months. In another 2-3 months, be on the lookout for "The Best of Junk Mail, Volume II"  because by that time I'm sure I will have collected more memorable junk e-mail.

--From: Home Business Tools; Subject: If you miss this, you are nuts ... Well, since I didn't open this e-mail, I better make an appointment this week to lay on a couch at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology.

--From: TV deals; Subject: Yuck ... your keyboard is gross. For the record, I just purchased a new keyboard a few weeks ago and wiped it down this week with Fantastik, which kills 99.9 percent of all germs.

--From: Free Viagra&Cialis. Subject: Do not underestimate the value of free pills. I grew up thinking Bayer Asprin and Geritol were the wonder drugs. Times have certainly changed, haven't they?

--From: Mandahl Wabasha; Subject: Mandahl was trying to get me to purchase (what else?) either Viagra or Cialis. Sorry Mandahl; Viagra and Cialis are yesterday's news. I got a better offer  ... (see next entry)

--From: Smilin' Bob; Subject: Enzyte: male enhancement -- it works. I'm sure you've been subjected to the Enzyte commercials -- or covered your youngster's eyes whenever they've appeared on the tube -- with Smilin' Bob (right), a throwback to the Ozzie and Harriet era who is always sporting a goofy, toothy grin (persumably because he regularly uses the product). In one commercial, aired during the holidays, Smilin' Bob can be seen playing Santa while 5 or 6 women stand in line eagerly waiting to sit on his lap.

--From: Luis E. Coffman. Subject: Your refill is now available for pickup. You might want to give Smiln' Bob a call, Luis. I think he could use someone like you in Enzyte's customer service department.
--From: A friend; Subject: Someone in Glen Ellyn has a crush on you. Think I'll take a pass, and send her Smilin' Bob's way.

--From: Jessie SweetThing; Subject: My profile. Here's another one for you, Smilin' Bob!

--From: MR COOOL; Subject: haha Mike. Nothing like waking up in the morning and getting taunted by your e-mail inbox.

--From: Have a pain?; Subject: (No Subject). Yes, as a matter of fact, I do have a pain. It's you, MR COOOL and all the other pains who send me these e-mails!

--From: CassandraSchneider@e-mile.co.uk; Subject: I need to talk to you NOW. Cassandra, my dear, I know it's 7:34 a.m. in England, but it's 11:34 p.m. here. Can't it wait until morning? If you don't mind, this old chap is going to call it a night.

--From: John Stalvey; Subject: Mike Sandrolini You are fired! Bet you didn't know I was on The Apprentice recently. (Neither did I!) Donald Trump is a busy man; I guess he didn't have time to give me the pink slip personally. To his credit, John was kind enough to e-mail me several weeks later with the same message in case I didn't receive the message from Mr. Trump the first time around.

--From: Michelle White; Subject: My third and final e-mail to you. Ms. White (whoever she is) sent me another e-mail the next day.

-- From: Genrih Karpinski; Subject: Mike, Warning, Do Not Read This! Thanks for the head's up, Genrih. I just hit the delete button.

--From: Kaylee Wells; Subject: omg Mike! A Valley Girl? Sending me e-mail? Like, oh my God, no way! It's just like ... I'm freaking out totally!

--From: Glen Ellyn Tax Debt Assistance; Subject: Unable to reach Mike - 630- 26-8001 - For Your Tax Debt Refund. Accounting services apparently aren't part of the package with Glen Ellyn Tax Debt Assistance. Its lack of success reaching me could be because phone numbers in the U.S. have 10 digits, not 9.

--From: OSFAFinancialAidServices; Subject: mikesandro@msn.com, Looking for financial aid?‏ Finally, a piece of junk e-mail I can use. I've contacted OSFA, hoping it can negotiate with the Bank of Ghana so I can get my $3 million inheritance.

Tiger Woods and athletes as role models

Fighting for top story honors this week along with the upcoming vote on ObamaCare and rising gasoline prices -- which shot up 20 cents per gallon to $3.09 in my area within a 24-hour period (I guess it's OK to be in oil futures again) -- was our favorite philandering golfer, Tiger Woods.

Tiger announced that he'll be returning to the links for the prestgious Masters in early April. It'll be the first PGA Tour event in which Tiger will compete since all the revelations surfaced just after Thanksgiving about his numerous sex-capades with women other than his wife.

Famous athletes juggling multiple partners -- and in several cases, procreating multiple offspring from those partners -- is nothing new. I found a story on faniq.com, which provides a comprehensive list of former and current jocks who have fathered illegitimate children. According to the story, NFL running back Travis Henry  fathered nine children by nine different women ... all by the age of 28. Boxer Evander Holyfield has nine illegitimate kids, while former Chicago Bulls player Jason Caffey has eight kids from seven different women.

The list is quite long -- and shocking. If you want to delve more into it, check out the story at: http://www.faniq.com/blog/Athletes-With-Illegitimate-Kids-The-Comprehensive-List-Blog-17243

Then there's the late Wilt Chamberlain (left), who claimed in his autobiography that he had sex with 20,000 women (causing someone to jokingly ask if that number included the playoffs, or just the regular season). If Chamberlain's claim is, pardon the pun, legitimate, it's difficult to believe Wilt the Stilt didn't father a few children along the way. Magic Johnson, the former Los Angeles Lakers' star who remains a widely admired celebrity, admitted after testing positive for the HIV virus in the early 1990s that he had multiple sex partners during his career.

Tiger Woods' dalliances, which he rightly deemed "irresponsible and selfish" -- and are particuarly troubling because of his family-man image -- don't seem quite as shocking when put into the context of what other famous athletes have done. Portions of Woods' 13-minute mea cupla last month appeared to be staged (see video above, right). The cynic in me says he only issued a public apology because he got caught, but I'll give him this much: at least he took full responsibility for his behavior. It's also admirable that he's receiving treatment at a sex rehabilitation clinic, and is trying to reconcile with his wife.

But it's going to take a while before Woods restores his tarnished public image. I can't blame him for getting angry with paparazzi vultures who followed his 2 1/2-year-old daughter to school and reported the school's location. However, he better find a way to handle the scrutiny because this story won't go away the moment he steps into the tee box at Augusta National. He can't keep the media -- mainstream or otherwise -- at arm's length forever. And as much as golf is a gentleman's game, you can bet a fan or two will eventually utter something besides "You Da Man!" as Tiger walks past them on his way to 18th green.

Tiger Woods' saga once again brings to the surface the debate of whether or not professional athletes are role models. Ideally, a child's role model should be his or her mother and father, grandmother or grandfather, a teacher, a coach ... someone with whom he or she is in regular, if not daily, contact and provides guidance and influence.

Yet generations of children have grown up idolizing athletes, and athletes have to realize that kids look up to them, whether they see themselves as role models or not. Most professional athletes also are thrust into the public spotlight -- but that's part of the job, too, whether they like it or not.

I don't expect athletes to live squeeky-clean lives. That said, I don't think it's too much to ask athletes to conduct themselves in a respectable manner on the court or on the field ... and in public venues (which an overwhelming majority of them do).

Athletes like Woods are entitled to privacy, particularly when it involves family. But if an athlete's private behavior is reckless, and that athlete knowingly puts himself (or herself) in compromising situations, they shouldn't expect to be treated like an average 9-to-5 citizen if their dirty laundry is ever hung out to dry. Especially if an athlete is world famous, like Tiger Woods.

The moral of the story for athletes, celebrities and other public figures is this: think before you act. It's a TMZ world out there, with Facebook, Twitter, Google Profiles, cell phones, cell phone cameras, text messaging and video cameras -- and creepy paparazzi -- around every corner.

What do you think? Please leave your comments.

U.S. national debt clock: Check it out, if you dare ...

Earlier this year, a friend sent me the link to a Web site that keeps a running tab on the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about: the U.S. national debt. Check it out on: http://www.usdebtclock.org/ . A similar clock displays the U.S. national debt -- and what each family's share of that debt is -- on Sixth Avenue in New York City. (Note: the above photo was taken when the national debt was only $10 trillion.)

Brace yourself when you click on the link, however, because the numbers are staggering. Most of the numbers associated with it -- the national debt, U.S. federal spending, the U.S. federal budget deficit, for example ... all in red (as in red ink) -- continue adding up before your very eyes at a blistering pace.

As of this writing, the current U.S. national debt -- the amount of money the government owes its creditors --stands at $12.5 trillion. That figures to $114,250 per taxpayer and $40,533 per citizen. (It's not stated whether these citizens are legal U.S. citzens only, or a combination of U.S. citizens and illegal immigrants. OK, it's a poor attempt at humor, but work with me here.)

A show of hands if you think the U.S. government will ever pay off this debt, or substantially reduce it. I didn't raise my hand, either.

Other interesting numbers:

• Total U.S. debt (personal, government, the whole shebang) is almost $56 trillion, which breaks down to around $691,000 per family and $180,000 per citizen.
• Total personal debt is $16.6 trillion, or around $53,800 per citizen.
• Medicare/Medicaid and Social Security are the largest items in the U.S. budget at $762 billion and $682 billion per year, respectively, while defense is No. 3 at $662 billion. 
• Federal pensions are $189 billion.
• Everyone complains about earmarks, and rightfully so (think "the bridge to nowhere" and other pork barrel spending measures). But in the grand scheme of things, the government has bigger fish to fry. Earmarks amount to just over $19.5 billion.
• The current U.S. population is approaching 309 million (don't forget to fill out your Census forms!). 
• Nearly 15 million of us are officially listed as unemployed. The debt clock says the actual amount of unemployed is closer to 26 million (a new person is added to this list every 8 seconds).
• The U.S. work force stands at over 138 million; state and federal employees number a combined 21 million.
• There are just over 39 million food stamp recipients.

Most of the debt has been accumulated since 1980. The GOP had its man in the White House 20 of the past 30 years, thus The Gipper, Bush 41 and Bush 43 certainly get their share of blame. However, while the President submits a budget every fiscal year, Congress has a significant say in determining the final budget. Democrats have controlled both the House and Senate 12 years since 1980; the GOP 10 -- including six years during the Clinton Administration, when the government had balanced budgets and small surpluses. Congressional power was split during a 6-year span in the 1980s, as Republicans controlled the Senate, while Democrats controlled the House.

Democrats will blame Republicans, and vice-versa, for the national debt. But given the size of this debt, I think there's enough blame to go around.

Recently, some of the so-called "Blue-Dog" Democrats have been talking about introducing legislation to add a balanced-budget amendment to the Constitution. Back in the 1990s, the House passed a balanced-budget amendment, then it fell in the Senate by one vote. It's a nice conversation piece, but it's highly unlikely such an amendment would ever become reality. Two-thirds of Congress, and three-fourths of all the states, would have to support it.

Lawmakers, as well as the news media, usually focus on the deficit -- the difference between what the govenment spends as opposed to the amount of tax revenue it takes in. So far this year, the deficit is a record $1.4 trillion and climbing. But even if the legislative and executive branches somehow exercise fiscal discipline and submit a balanced budget -- or something close to it -- for the President to sign during a given year (or years), it will do little to reduce the national debt unless they're able to run off a string of substantial budget surpluses.

The national debt is virtually ignored, but Neal Boortz of SmallGovTimes.com lays out a compelling scenario as to why more attention should be paid to it:

Boortz writes, "Taking that (national debt) into consideration … add up the interest paid on that debt, plus the cost of entitlement benefits like Social Security and Medicare … and by the year 2020, that spending alone will consume 80 percent of all federal revenues. That does not include any spending for military or homeland security.

"Within the next few years, the national debt is expected to rise to 100 percent of our GDP (gross domestic product). To put into perspective, Greece – which is (currently) going through a major financial crisis – currently has a debt equivalent to 124 percent of the GDP."

Clueless Senator has no idea about unemployed's plight

For as long as I can remember, the Republican Party has been labeled -- fairly or unfairly -- as the party of the well-to-do. It also is perceived -- fairly or unfairly -- as not being particularly sensitive to the problems facing middle- to lower-income Americans.

Well, the GOP didn't help shed any of these stereotypes the past week or so, due to Exhibit A: some misplaced posturing by Sen. Jim Bunning of Kentucky, and Exhibit B: remarks that can only be classified as remarkably clueless coming out of the mouth of Arizona Sen. Jon Kyl.

First, Bunning. He drew the wrath of Democrats and Republicans alike when he initially decided to go it alone and block the extension of unemployment benefits on the Senate floor. Then, after GOP leadership pulled him into a back room and told him, "Yo, what are you thinking?" he backed off.

I understand the principle behind Bunning's filibuster. He wanted to call the bluff of Democrats and President Obama, who -- after ringing up an estimated $1.7 trillion of new debt since taking power -- went out of their way to say, "Hey, look at us: we've adopted a pay-as-you-go policy on spending." (In comparsion, the Bush Administration accumulated nearly $5 trillion of new debt in 8 years, for which he, too, has been called to the carpet.)

However, as much as I think it's necessary to admonish politicians on both sides of the aisle for continuing to spend with reckless abandon, Bunning looked foolish using unemployment benefits as a backdrop to make his stand. You end up alienating millions who, by no fault of their own, either have just received a pink slip -- I've met a few this week -- or have been out of work for an extended period and need a hand to help them get by. Further, I can't imagine you win many P.R. points with their immediate families and friends.

That brings me to Sen. Kyl (below), who it was reported earlier this week, tried to make the argument that giving unemployment benefits "dissuades people from job-hunting because people are being paid even though they're not working."

I am one of the unemployed at whom Kyl's remarks are directed. And with all due respect, I'd suggest it would be in the junior Senator from Arizona's best interest to venture outside the Beltway's insulated cocoon once in a while because he has no idea what he's talking about.

I'd love to show him the stack of paper sitting on my dresser, which lists all the contacts I've made to prospective employers the past several months. Or give him an idea of the time I spend on a weekly basis making phone calls, sending resumes, checking online job boards, going to career fairs and attending networking events.

I'd like to introduce him to some of the individuals I've met along the way. I've seen their resumes. Many of them possess years of on-the-job accomplishments that would make them an asset to any company or organization. They're not holding out for their "dream job" or demanding an exhorbitant salary. They're out busting their tails every day, doing everything they can to get back into the work force in some capacity.

For the record, one can't live off unemployment, whether you are single or have a family. The net monthly amount I receive is roughly half of what I made when I had a full-time job. I wish Sen. Kyl could hear some of the stories of unemployed men and women I know with families to raise, COBRA payments to make (provided they had health insurance at their old job to begin with), and college tuition and mortgages to pay off. Ask them, Senator, if they've got their feet propped up on the sofa every afternoon, watching Maury Povich and waiting for a direct deposit from the Department of Employment Security.

Just so I don't leave you with the impression that I'm a registered Democrat who gleefully enjoys browbeating Republicans at every opportunity, I estimate that I vote for GOP candidates well over 90 percent of the time for a variety of reasons. But when they're wrong, they're wrong.  And Sen. Kyl is wrong.

Although any Congressman or Senator can utter stupid remarks regardless of how long he or she has been in Congress, I can't help but think the longer one serves on Capitol Hill, the more one becomes detached from the real world. Kyl and Bunning, for example, have each been lawmakers since the 1980s. So has a Senator in my home state, Dick Durbin, who I personally would like to see on the unemployment after the 2014 elections (when his current Senate term ends).

Then there's the king of career politicians, Robert Byrd of West Virginia (left), who's been in the House and Senate a combined 57 years.

Setting term limits for Congressmen and Senators is wishful thinking, I know. But why not? Two terms for a Senator; 6 terms for a Representative. Twelve years is plenty. Then if you can't make ends meet on your cushy Congressional pension after you leave, go out into the real world and get a job. (Side note: a Congressman who's served 22 years, for example, and whose average salary for their top 3 years was $153,900 stands to collect a pension of just over $84,000 per year. And he or she can begin collecting their pension at age 50 if they're served 20 years -- or collect it at anytime after 25 years of service.)

I wonder if Sen. Kyl would be eligible to collect unemployment ...